Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
