if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
