i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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