did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
