I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
