i drank out of a bidet.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
