Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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