you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
