Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
