Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
