yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
