He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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