I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
