I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
