This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize