If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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