its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
