Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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