Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
