On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
