i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
