On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
