I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
why do cheetos always look like penises
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
