My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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