Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
