Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
