so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
