the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
