I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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