dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
