Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
