Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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