I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
