When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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