I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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