He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
