once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
