i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
