Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
