I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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