Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
