i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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