my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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