the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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