dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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