my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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