here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
