you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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