I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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