this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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