A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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