All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
