the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
