I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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