When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
