please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
