LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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