You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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