I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
