Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
